Advice for aspiring non-artist, poorly focused mid career professionals seeking validation through creative expression:

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  • creativity will not solve your money problems. It will exacerbate them. but respectably.
  • People actually do respond to spam
  • Art is spam
  • only your mom actually likes your all your mark making. Not because it’s good but because she made you and it was the spicy food and pickles in utero that likely caused your mid career existential crisis
  • Get “a studio” as it’s an acceptable form of “junk heap”
  • Paint is glue and colored dirt. But go to the art store anyway because tax write offs.
  • If you do sell your work you’ll mostly spend time packing and shipping and cursing.
  • Bob Ross is seriously the easiest way to fool yourself this was a good idea
  • Like in your legitimate career you really won’t have any idea why any of it works but you’ll be convinced what you wrote on your resume about your impact was true
  • I was once told to splatter a little paint on the sides of a stretched canvas as that’s what real artist did. It was a good idea. Just like using a Linux computer is to seem like a legit tech professional
  • only sign the specs for projects that make money. Sign everything else with someone else’s name
  • Everything can be fixed in post
  • Colored water on paper is cool to most people
  • The only people who know how to market art are those who have never made it. Those who know how to make money on tech are those that don’t code it. Or maybe it’s just me.
  • In biz: save your work. Cntrl S! I’m art: throw that shit out. Reformat drive.
  • Dubstep background music always produces shit art.
  • Quarterly updates: make shit
  • Perspiration not inspiration. That is sweat improves a pastel painting giving it a mixed media look
  • No portrait looks like your model. If they hate it “it’s vibe piece” if they love it “well it’s you. You made it easy!”
  • Assistants are the most powerful people in all aspects of life. They will make or break you. They’re the ones with talent. You’re a hack.
  • Robots can’t be artists. But artists are definitely robots.
  • The robots are having all the fun
  • If you keep at it til age 60 you will be considered a lively old person.
  • Oh, gawd, this is terrible.
  • Oh, gawd, the site is down again.
  • Oh, gawd, this w9 exceptions worksheet is too complicated.
  • Oh, gawd, what is the meaning of life?
  • Oh, gawd, I can’t find the right status for this work ticket!!!!!!!!
  • “Let’s put this in the parking lot” applies in art. It literally means take that piece of shit outside.
  • If it sucks it’s just a study
  • If it sucks but someone buys it it’s contemporary
  • Let’s collaborate!
  • Let’s pair program!
  • Let’s manage each other!
  • Let’s work on team chemistry!
  • Let’s make shitty art together so neither of us has to claim credit!
  • Just make shit
  • … and sell it.
  • Your dad likes your work too. No not my dad. Your dad. Cause he is a real artist.

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I be doing stuff. and other stuff. More stuff. I believe in infinite regression of doing stuff.

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